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© 2003
Robyn Gallagher

Dolly Magazine

I'd only intended to get some dinner from the kebab place across the road, but one of the magazine broadsheets at the neighbouring dairy caught my eye.

"Justin fest!" the pink and white headline enticed. "Free stickers!" Justin Timberlake's likeness stared out at the car park. I could barely contain my excitement. I wanted those Justin stickers, so while I waited for my kebab I bought the February issue of Dolly magazine.

I used to read Dolly when I was 11. I quickly grew out of its maniacal celebration of teenage girl things and moved onto Smash Hits. I had no plans to start reading it again, but how could I turn down free Justin stickers?

I read the Justin special ("I think Britney is a wonderful person and I still love her."), so I decided to take a look through the rest of the magazine.

The letters page was an excellent source of insight. Topics discussed included:

  • Just because the Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Offspring are old, doesn't mean they shouldn't be covered in Dolly.
  • Alisha has come to realise that she is not the only one in the world with small boobs.
  • Emma obviously has a problem with boys and she shouldn't make fun of disabled people.
  • Avril Lavigne is just Britney in a tie, and someone needs to teach her about real rock bands such as Good Charlotte.
  • If you criticise sexy pop stars, you are probably just jealous.

There was an article with four steps to get your crush to date you. Maybe I'm used to reading magazines like Cosmo, but it was kind of weird reading an article like that and not seeing the word penis used anywhere. The article basically concluded that you should be really nice and whack him on the arm when he says something hilarious. Ok, I'll remember that.

The Dolly Destiny Book had this to say about my future:

  • I bore easily.
  • I am a risk taker.
  • Romance in its many forms will keep me busy.
  • I need to listen to my inner self more.
  • If I lose something and talk to it, it will probably reappear. (I'm not sure if this will work on virginity, but it's worth a try.)

It also predicted that on Valentine's Day I will "have a meeting of minds with a highly intelligent guy who's not only cool in the looks department but is capable of a conversation that doesn't involve mention ollies on his skateboard, ripping up some wicket tubes or raving about "Jackass The Movie"." I dunno, I'd kinda like to have a good conversation with a skater/surfer boy.

Then there were the celebrity couple awards. Really, the only thing that needs to be mentioned is that Drew Barrymore is going out with Fabrizio from The Strokes. That is very cool.

There was also a guide that details how to pash like a movie star. I'm not sure if that's such great advice. I mean, a movie pash primarily looks good, but doesn't necessarily feel as good as it looks. There's no mention of the coolest movie pash, in "A Life Less Ordinary": when Euan McGregor and Cameron Diaz pull apart after their pash there's a line of gooby saliva stretching out between them.

I came to realised that I wasn't in Dolly's target audience. When I was trying to figure out what my Chinese animal sign was I had to consult a web site because the Dolly Destiny Book had only listed the signs for people born from 1979 onwards.

But that didn't really matter. I had a sticker that with "Justin's so damn hot!" and cartoon flames. I was happy.