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© 2003
Robyn Gallagher

Industrial Action

The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Selected ICQ logs between two employees of iJUMP Internet Services.

The cops turn up, Trent sees the uniform, lets them in, and oh my goodness, it's a Strip-o-gram!

He handled that call so badly. The person wanted to be trasnfered to Alex because of abuse, Trent wouldn't do it Trent can't just say, "I'll transfer you to the Australian accounts department," he launches into a big long explanation of how the phone system works and how the help desk did one thing, and he is doing another thing and how the person should hang up and "be capable of generating the number 2 tone" on their phone blah blah blah.

IJUMP's URL, as pronounced by Trent:
"World wide web dot ijump dot co dot nz"

Trent as pronounced by Selwyn.
"DORK"

Remember, Trent is not part of IJUMP. He is a separate entity, as evidenced by him referring to the company as "they", not "we". He can do what he jolly well likes.

He is.. And I mean this in the nicest way...
A bumbling idiot.

"You'll need to go the the IJUMP Internet Services IIS web page. The address is world wide web dot a u dot com and that will get you to the page. If you're familliar with the IJUMP web page you'll find that it is quite similar to the page that IJUMP provides..."

Don't ya just love the way you can taste the menthol in the air when Trent is nearby?

Trent on why line noise can cause disconnection:
"The modems will not understand the noise and they will say "hey" and hang up"

A person was asking Trent who answered complaints email. He said "It is not one person. It is a multitude"
Oh yes, that's right.

>Purity Test
> Question 39.
>
> Have you ever been in a lift with Arthur when he is wearing only a rubber glove?

I can't help it. I'm a crack whore.

Trent "You've actually somehow got through to the accounts department when it sounds like the department that you want is the helpdesk department. Because I can't help you here because this is the accounts department. If I was to try to give you any technical assistance the system will say "No, I don't like that". So the only thing that I can do is to transfer you to the helpdesk department"

Anyone else: "I'll put you through to the helpdesk"

I told Trent to transfer the Australian caller he had to the Australian accounts number. He said it wouldn't work. He tried it. It worked.

Can you imagine Trent B as a lawyer? My client would like to state that he did not steal the automobile in question. I think you will find that he was in fact in the vacinity of the car when he found that he was in need of having to insert a clothes hanger into the door and pry it open because he is in deed a person who was in the situation do to so. It is because of this particular situation that my client is entering a plea in which the word "guilty" is preceded by the word "not".

"...I can send that to you in a fax form if you have a fax machine available to receive it... What is the number of the fax machine there?"

Trent was talking to a guy who said he'd been waiting yesterday on the phone for an hour. Trent way of dealing with the call: he told the guy there must be something wrong with his phone and it wasn't our fault. Quote "No, I'm not calling you a liar, I'm saying that there's something wrong with your phone"

Why can't he just say "I cannot do anything with your account. You will need to speak to Jim who handles abuse."

Let's pretend....
One of those calls from Chch/Dun/Ham where there is silence, Trent Answers "Good afternoon, accounts, Trent speaking. Hello? Good afternoon? I think I've found that I have answered the phone and said "hello" and there has been no reply from the person on the other end which has meant that I am unable to answer the phone call to my standard capacity. I think I will find that this entire conversation is heresay."

You have missed some doozies from Trent today...
"S for Sally - Sam"

D for dumb-ass

We should be getting combat pay.

Yeah... And trauma counseling..

Trent, on trying to figure out why a customer can't connect:
"So the modem squeals, and squeals for forever more?"

Imagine being stuck in a small, hot room, not unlike a sauna with Ray and Trent...

"The person who you will need to speak to is Darren dot Brown at IJUMP dot co dot nz."

"Whoever took your payment - could have been me or someone else, I don't know - didn't credit it to your account, maybe they got sidetracked or something..."

"The computer never saw them do that"

I think the computer is lying.

I'll say... How very funny...

Glenda was mentioning computers and I said "I would like a P2 please" and he perked up and added "Yes but only those who do work deserve computers" - I was actually offended.

Ever notice Arthur looks good with a headset on??

Disturbing..

A future career for Mr Butler: "That comes to $14.55. Please drive through to window 2"

I like it when he blames the person for him not understanding what their login was:
"I thought you said s for sally, but you said f for fred and I couldn't understand you"

Trent just told someone that the helpdesk person they'd just spoken to was "probably an idiot".

Sigh...

Doesn't Calvin look lovely sitting by the window with the sun shining on his bald head....

Hehehe,,,

"What do we want??""
"Umm... New Computers?"
"Ohh... And free Coffee..."
"Yeah and more pay..."
"And a nice---"
"---Shuttup! - When do we want it??"
"Now?"
"Well Early next week would be okay I guess"

Trent doesnt even know the names of the directors...
"It is a policy directed by the directors and their names are... err... *looks at phone list* err... Keith Flinton..."

So annoying - I couldn;t hear the rest of Trent's conversation just the "I don't think you will spell it right" bit..

"If you want a hard copy of the terms and conditions, there is one online"

Define "hard copy"

Arrrgh! I almost answered the phone by saying "Good afternoon, Accounts dot co dot nz"

I love when I answer the phone.and people have been waiting so long they have forgotten what they want to say...

Yes! I've noticed that too.

I'm currently amused by Trent's talk of an "hourly hiccup".

It's almost 3.00 pm, it's time to hiccup.

Trent pronounces Arrowtown as "Aerotown"

Trent (sounding pissed off): "There may have been a staff security breach - I don't know. The staff member who changed your account to NationWide - she says she didn't do it so I don't know what happened there. There have been about three other people who changed to it without their permission."

Trent has got Alex wedged firmly up his arse.

Nah nah nah, Trent is always bitching about Alex, and it's really annoying.

Trent is talking about having problems with a credit card relationship.

Have you noticed how Trent can never remember people's names so he calls them "Whats-his-name". He frequently calls Doris "Whats-her-name".

The agent took out his lighter, ignited it, and slowly waved it in front of the old man's. His eyes widened. Fear slowly crept into his body, filling it with the only emotion he had felt since his arrival at the base. The old man took a breath and slowly, hoarsely whispered, "Gojira... Gojira!"

That Hamish guy says "sure" too much.

I think he should be allowed to say "sure" ten times a day, every additional "sure" is $2.00 + GST.

Glenda asked Trent how he hurt his back. He said: "It was a twisting injury"....

Hey all you hep daddyo cool cats! Let's do the twist, come on Trent, I want to see you down here on the dance floor shakin' your tail feather! Come on baby, let's do the twist, come on baby, let's do the... oh shit, are you ok?

Oh oh oh

When you were on leave, Trent told someone "We operate as a standard company, that is that everything we do is standard and that is including our terms and conditions".

I am stunned - Trent didn't just say straight out "No, Douglas is not available - He is out of the country having problems with his work permit"

He is totally unsuitable for doing phones.

And e-mail - Cos he can't spell... And front desk cos his presentation is terrible.

Incoming. Helpdesk. That's all there is.

Maybe... but I remember what he was like at that..

What was he like on incoming?

It took about 3 minutes per call just to log them and he would keep trying to diagnose the problems.

I heard that he once engaged in a conversation about herbal remedies or some such shite.

When Tina asked Trent how he hurt his back, he said "work". So is twisting his job? Is he a professional twister? Does he go to rock 'n' roll clubs on the weekend and twist the night away?

"Have you got the hole punchy thingy?"

Do you suppose Trent was referring to the hole punch?

Trent (I don't know what he was talking about): "You could call it lost, but it's not called lost if its found"

"You are quoting to me and saying "yes" but I am not finding that"

Trent was yelling at someone because they wanted their credit card details removed and wouldn't give him their credit card details, which he said were necessary to have it removed.

Does he just make up shit like that, or it is actual policy?

"It seems that for some reason the system has forgotten your password - someone is running a program to tell the system what it was and hopefully it will be the same password when it updates in about 20 minutes. If it isn't the password you know it will be another one and you will need to call the helpdesk to get a password you will know."

The thing I've noticed with Trent, the more excited he gets, the louder he talks.

one potato two potato three potato four
glass is for windows, and wood for the door
five potatoe six potato seven potato nine
yonder blonde supervixen is oh so mighty fine.

Alex "Is Doris still doing refunds?"
Me: "No."
Alex: "Good, cos she's a ho"

sibling not entertained by kebabs?

"...There is lots of queues... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... 6 ... It is possible you are in the queue that just doesn't get answered..."

"No we have no record of a automatic debit for your account"

WHAT is a Automatic Debit?

It's a transaction that the bANK oF Trent offers.

What is your login name?
It's my sons account, it is delwood...
[...pause...] There is no 'delwood'
There should be...
I can't see it...
His login name is 'tdelwood' - does that help?
[silent curses] Ahh, yes. Hold on I will see.

She was having problems with connectivity and wanted to ssee if she could have a credit... The helpdesk told her to call accounts and ask, but thru no fault of her own she got Trent... He was rude, abrupt and blunt and she was upset and called back the helpdesk in tears.

Dennis was saying that his chair squeaked and he was embarassed by it. Then he said "At least my bed doesn't squeak". Then he apologised for saying it.

"I'll see if Darren is available, his extension for Domains or virtual hosting of domains or anything like that is the corporate dept. which is 294."

"I'm going to press the "TRF" button on my phone, followed by the numbers 2, 9 and 4 which are the numbers of the extension of Darren who is the person who is responsible for Domains, and Virtual Housing and such and the like sundry items and he will say things to you which you will listen to and you can ask him questions to about any queiries that you may have regarding virtual housing.

I will give you ten cows in exchange for your fairest daughter.

netdotnet.net is classy

I told Natalie about Alex's blonde supervixen thing. She said "how embarassing"

That's what happens if you masturbate too much.

Actually, I am highly shocked, and highly offended that you would bring up such a disgusting and vile subject in the workplace.

Quite frankly I do not wish to hear you talk about playing with yourself in the workplace.

However, if you wish to talk about that in private. Oh yes, let me be your own private jizz-mopper.

Fsck. Trent transferred someone through to me who was one of those people who had a late payment fee put on when they had a direct debit.

He could have done it.

Yeah, who are their customers? Witches?

Boil toil bubble bubblely bum bum
Deer blood and shark liver oil
Make webpages.ijump.co.nz stop crashing
Shark cartilage and abalone power
Stop international outages

Cackles old Witch Calvina

Dont ya love Trent's new look...

Does he have a new smell to go with his new look?

Let me bloody tell you mate, if you have got a crate of Lion Brown, and the back seat of a Kingswood, Jimmy Barnes greatest hits on the stereo and a lovely lady, then you have got a bloody good night.

Ha. I impressed Alex with my newly accquired knowledge of vi.

He said "I thought you didn't know anything. I thought you were like Doris"

Then I called him a skanky bitch, and he said "I am not Sarah".

Ya hear?

Trent is off with 'a bad cold'...

First a twisting injury, now a "bad cold"...

There is an African village in my head

"All the IDs we issue ahve a checkdigit on them much like a credit card checkdigit but ours is better. If someone swears that 1234567 is their customer id and it doesn't pass the check then tell them they're a lying wanker."

I can just imagine Trent "It says here that you are a lying wanker"

After a number of transactions were accidentally dated 1934:

"Look, I don't even think the internet was around in 1934!"

"That maybe so but the fact is that your direct debit for $45.00 bounced in 1934 and compensating for inflation, you now owe us $62,296. If you don't pay this we will take you to Baycorp"

"You're crazy!"

"You're just lucky that we didn't charge a 15% late finance reconnection penalty fee every month that $45 was unpaid."

The direct debit of "bigdick" has bounced.

I bet those bank tellers with School Certificate maths had a jolly good laugh at that!!!

"Haha!"
"Big Dick!!!!"

Just before Doris was having problems with her computer. Sarah said "Press escape". Doris had to search her keyboard, then pointed to Esc and said "This one?"

No, the escape key up my bum.

Adam and Steve: A love story

Adam: yO sTeVe uDuLaTe mY gOnAdS
Steve: Arse
Adam: yOu KnOw WhAt I wAnT tO dO?
Steve: Arse
Adam: i WaNt To LiCk YoUr CoNeZ
Steve: Tits

Trent sent me an email and his sig file reads:

Trent B
Accounts Department
IJUMP internet Services
Email : [email protected]

"I won't give you my last name, you'll only spell it wrong"

I love the way Jim stumbles in, half asleep, causes havoc and mayhem, then stumbles out again. He is the master of all that is smooth.

Trent: "I'll try and transfer you to the lab, but I think they have their voice phones on"

A voice phone? I have one of those. Up my bum.

I had this really vivid dream last night where I went ape and scream at Doris to leave me alone and that I was doing my job....

It was scary....

I was writing a letter to a lovely couple called Mike and Diane, and I had typed "Dear M" when Word suggested "Dear Mom and Dad". I should have pressed tab and sent the letter like that.

Dear Mom and Dad

Your refund has been processed.

Your loving daughter, Roslyn

Oh no! Trent no longer has "musical phones"!

He only has a voice phone.

I have a musical phone. It is up my bum.

Okay -- Kate was just talking to a *person* called "Kelly" who is "the boss' ex." -- I assume Kelly is a chicks name...?? Which boss?

Kelly could be a man, you know. Maybe an ex of Keith F. Or a former lesbian lover of Glenda?

Maybe Kelly has gone out with lots of people from IJUMP.

Oh wait, I am Kelly. Kelly is my stage name.

Yes, I have a stage name. It is up my bum, along with the upstairs vending machine, the other escape key, and a voice phone.

Trent just told someone that *all* web addresses start with "www"

He should take a look at accounting program's URL before he says that.

I remember Trent once telling someone that IJUMP's URL was "World wibe web dot ijump dot co dot nz".

Hamish "This guy has a big mail he can't delete. He's an TS user."
Darren "If it's an TS user I can't do it. Well I can, but I won't."
Hamish "He's very sick. He's dying of cancer. He hasn't got long to live."

Ring ring
"Good morning Roslyn speaking"
"Hello I'd like to cancel my account"
"Ok, we require written notice, so you'll need to send us either a letter..."
"I've cancelled the direct debit at the bank so you won't get paid"
"Ok, but you'll need to send written notice that you wish to close your account"
"Oh."
<Click>

"... for Accounts, Press 2"
<2>
"If you are able bodied, press 1. If you have a hearing or speech defect or are just fscked in the head, press 294"
<2941>
"Hello Selwyn Speaking"
"Yes....ah... hello.... ah Delwyn.... ah.... Raymond.... ah.. you'll be wanting my lodge-in name there. It is [email protected]"

A call log Trent has just done:

Problem: about her bounched cheque asked for roslyn-

Solution: was roslyns lunch brake -left msg re to rebank cheque

Maybe Trent bounched to much and his back braked?

Scott asked Arthur why he didn't get a parking space. Arthur said it was because when he wrote the list he was "on the piss."

Dennis: "One of these days, Roslyn, we should have a pizza".

That is sexual harassment.

Calvin was playing with Elmo and Elmo started vibrating. Calvin said, "that gives me an idea. Pop-my-cherry Elmo".

Darren made that cute little noise he makes and said "I love Elmo too much to pop his cherry".

Doris: Roslyn, who's So-ah?
Me: What?
Doris: I've got an e-mail from So-ah.
Me: <Looking at the email> Oh, that's SOA, Start of Authority
Doris: So there's no way of tracing it?
Me: No..... (Explanation of what SOA is)
Doris: Well why's he emailing me?
Me: It's a post to the staff mailing list, it's gone to everyone.
Doris: What does it mean? What's he trying to say?
Me: (Explaination of how posts to the mailing list are not always to be taken 100% seriously)

My cell phone rang

"Hello"
"Hello is that Marama?"
"No"
"Is this 021 XX XX XX?"
"Yes"
"Well Marama said that was her number"
"She is wrong"
"Well how can I get in contact with her? I urgently need to contact her!"
"I don't know. I do not know who she is"
"Well thank you very much!"
"Goodbye"

Jenny asked Doris how to change the shell for someone who was on a Silver account, but had an NZwife shell.

Tick tick tick tick...

Ding!

"Oh, I thought you meant a grepping shell!"

I ended up telling Jenny what to do.

Dennis: "I had a bad experience with a masseuse in Thailand"

Me: Is that Tori Amos?
Dennis: Yes, it is.
Me: Are you a teenaged girl?
Dennis: You *bitch*!

<Katrina and I proceed to hassle Dennis and he makes up for his insult by giving me a mint>

Last night the massage guy came at set up in Douglas old office. I was in there getting a very nice neck and shoulder massage... peaceful.... relaxing.... ahhhh.... then Katrina, Scott and Nigel started having a conversation at Scott's desk about a fat substitute that caused anal leakage.

It totally ruined the moment.

Calvin to new webteam chick: "I'm your master"

Me and Katrina, having run out of things to do, were merrily popping bubbles in some bubbles wrap. Mike came over and said "Here's that guy's receipt, Katrina" to which I said "Oh look, can't you see we're busy!"

Darren on the phone about his new flat: "Me, Nikki and Craig are all bisexual and Melinda's a vegetarian, so its going to be interesting."

Darren on meeting his girlfriend:

"I met her at New Years at a really dodgy pub.... I ended up sleeping with her and now she's my girlfriend."

I think Scott is asking Calvin about how he wears the same t-shirt every day.

Calvin: "Do you know how many I own? Three!"

And today I realised that Darren's water bottle looks a bit like a giant yellow penis.

He sucks it on a daily basis until fluids come out.

It IS a giant penis..

Darren is sucking on a giant yellow penis with "Berocca" printed on it?

Knowing management, business cards will probably be only given to people who fit some sort of strange criteria.

i.e. never deal with the public but go to a lot of yuppie bars and stuff....

"We've decided not to give you business cards, but paper coasters with your details on them. Take a handful whenever you go out, and drop them off around Auckland's hot spotz"

Trent rings Darren, Darren is on the phone, it diverts to me, Trent says he really need to speak to Darren, I explain the situation.

Trent asks when is a good time to call Darren. I said when he is not on the phone, Trent asks when that is..

"Oh let me check... Darren is scheduled to takle an annoying call from Mavis from Wellington for 13 minutes at 10:52:40am this morning, you have about a 1 minute 30 window before Andrew calls..."

Trent: "Doris have you got one of the new application forms"
Doris: "Oooooh? What new application forms?"
Me: "They're not printed yet."

(On a side note, there are guys in orange looking at the car)

Tina was joking with Ned and she said "You're not going to fire me, are you?" to which he replied, "Do you work for me? I can't fire you. I am not your manager."

Sense of humour: Removed at birth to prevent possible damage in later years.

I just heard two guys at reception who were reading the late payment notice "We have changed the way we deal with late payments. Previously we used to send you letters. Now we send guys round to your house with baseball bats to break your computer"

He almost touched my breasticles.

"I contacted your department today and after trying for considerable time on two different numbers was finally connected to Trent, who I must have struck on a bad day, because he was less than helpful and I had to continually ask questions to try and make any sense out of the situation and was left with the impression that the whole problem was my fault."

Trent B just rang me cos a user signed up and indicated in the form he had wanted to pay by credit card, however we had not entered the CC payment details.

He wanted me to get the form (which he seemed to believe we keep seperately) and enter the details, I told him the form was downstairs and that he could find it, and reluctantly agreed to look.

I wonder how potential residents of the apartments next door would feel if they knew their future homes were being sweated on by men in short shorts.

I got a phone call yesterday from a customer who Trent had told to phone me regarding his missing DD form. As I am not psychic I was unable to tell him what had happened to the DD form he posted several months ago. The customer got pissed off at me because Trent had told him I would know. I emailed Trent and told him that I am unable to offer customers any new information, that I have no way of tracking where direct debit forms go

Arthur was just asking Doris if she'd received any more crank calls. When he left, she said "He's obsessed". I said "Maybe he's the one who's been making them. Doris replied "He doesn't speak well enough".

Wanker: "What's your manager's name"
Me: "Elizabeth Carter"
Wanker: "And what does he do?"

Some people are so stuck in gender roles.

I got a letter:

"Attention Roslyn Callohan

Dear Roslin"

You know how Trent does a big rant everytime there is a caller from Australia where he practically blames the caller for being a dumb arse?

I just heard Neil deal with an Australian caller. He was polite, explained that the accounts departments were separate, tried to transfer him, when that didn't work gave the phone number and correct extension number.

Trent: "Can you talk to this woman, she wants to know where her direct debit form is"
Me: "I can tell you that. If it hasn't been loaded, then I don't know"
Trent: "Well can you tell her that because I am busy"
Me: "I am incredibly busy too and I would appreciate it if you'd tell her as you are already talking to her"

Trent grudgingly agrees.

Paul: Calvin, The Truman Show has opened. We should see it some time.
Calvin: No it hasn't.
Paul: Yes, it has
Me: It was previewed this weekend, but it doesn't open till Thursday.
Calvin: See, I'm never wrong. Have I ever been wrong?
Paul: Yes, once, and I will always remember it.
Calvin: <Insane, maniacal laughter>

Ring ring
"Good afternoon, Roslyn speaking"
"Good afternoon Miss Roslyn, I<click>"

Phone is completely dead.

You can just imagine:

"I'm sorry but I am going to have to hang up on you now as I need to increase my monthly average"

Ha, Deborah came to me asking if I could help a guy at reception change account ownership. She said "He's quite nice" and the whole time I was out there talking to him, I kept thinking "Hmmm.... he's nice".

It's a change from the horrible old Asian men with metre long hair sprouting from a mole or the fat Indian guy with bloodshot eyes.

Would it be shit like :

SELECT A BACKGROUND TEXTURE
o Sand
o Clouds
o Sandy clouds
o Cloudy sand

ICQ WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE CALLED SELWYN ARE USING ICQ.
RATHER THAN LOOKING IN THEIR USER RECORDS THEY INSTEAD ARE DOING IT THE HARD WAY AND ASK THAT IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE CALLED SELWYN THAT YOUR FORWARD THIS MESSAGE ONTO THEM. THE FIRST 1000 PEOPLE TO DO THIS WILL RECEIVE $1000 AND A COPY OF WINDOWS 98 THAT MIGHT EVEN HAVE BEEN LOOKED AT BY BILL GATES WHO IS THE NEW OWNER OF ICQ.

Yes I did get a desk...

ICQ ARE GOING TO COME AROUND BEAT UP ANYONE WHO DOES NOT FORWARD THIS MESSAGE!

FORWARD TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, AND SOME YOU DONT (THAT IS WHAT RANDOM CHAT IS FOR) AND YOU MIGHT NOT GET A HIDING!!!!!!!

That is so funny.